With almost five months of denial and anger, struggling and confess, now I have gradually come to terms with my own "problem" you may say, or the immaturity if taking it in a light way, that I am not trusting Him enough to let go.
Think of God's grace, and His sovereignty, think of the blessings I long for that are His, I have to let go. Memory and dreams still haunt me, but God is holding me from falling apart in my deepest anguish and pain.
Something died in my heart. But I trust that my healing God will make something new grow out of the ashes. I have to let the self want go, let my selfish desire go, let the history of rebellion and disobedience that brought tremendous pain and loss go.
It is through loss that we gain. It is through death that it gives space for new birth.
I pray to the merciful God in the heaven that the feeling of loss and death in my heart will be in His use, planning for a greater purpose in life to bless others and love others.
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